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From a Life Coach in Preston

Three steps to forget an impossible love

"How to forget an impossible love" is something many people ask themselves. In real life, unlike romantic movies, you can't always break down every obstacle and make love prevail.

Sometimes there are impossible loves that do not produce satisfaction, but get stuck in the deepest part of the heart and cause a lot of damage. In those cases, the best thing is to accept reality and learn to forget that person, but forgetting someone we love, even if that love hurts us is not an easy task.

Unrequited love

On one occasion someone stated that "there are no impossible loves, but cowardly lovers". In fact, many people stop fighting for love because of obstacles that can actually be overcome, such as social differences, geographical distance or even age difference.

However, there are loves that are not worth fighting for, this happens when there is no reciprocity, what we know as an unrequited love, as when one of the people does not feel the same for the other, already has a partner or has a different sexual orientation. In those cases, clinging to that illusion means hurting yourself.

Love is a matter of two and we cannot demand that the other loves us, so that when we fall in love with a person who cannot or does not want to reciprocate, it becomes a suicidal mission.

Why do we insist on an impossible love?

Impossible loves are typical of the adolescent stage, the student who falls in love with the teacher is a classic example. However, as we mature these loves are left behind and the object of our desire begins to be a person more similar to us, who shares our tastes and interests.

However, there are those who are immersed in a loop of impossible relationships that never come to fruition. Let's take a look at some of the reasons why we become obsessed with someone who is not ours:

In some cases the person is not really looking for a stable relationship, but may be hiding a fear of commitment. In practice, this impossible love is a trick to stay away from real relationships and the "risks" they entail.

People with low self-esteem and masochistic tendencies on an emotional level may have the unconscious idea that they don't deserve to have a healthy and stable relationship, and embark on impossible relationships.

How to forget someone

Other times we insist on an impossible love because we idealize it, we believe that if that person loved us our life would be better or more complete. In reality we do not fall in love with the person himself, because in most cases we do not know enough, but the idyllic image we have formed, we fall in love with the person we would like to be.

In other cases we simply feel attracted by something that has a forbidden taste, such as being the lover of another person who already has a partner. Therefore, that love becomes a challenge, a challenge. In fact, if the person becomes really interested in us and love materializes into something real, it's not surprising that the relationship automatically loses its charm. Other times, when our self-esteem is conditioned on achievement, getting someone to leave their partner for us is proof that we are valuable.

Why is it so difficult to forget an impossible love?
Almost always, when a relationship comes to an end, it is because it has gone through a series of phases that have led to disenchantment. That's why, although the breakup is usually painful, sooner or later we manage to turn the page. However, in impossible loves the disappointment does not come, we remain permanently excited. Then forgetting is equivalent to leaving behind a dream.

Nevertheless, to live tied to an unrequited love implies to handle our emotional life. When we are filled with illusions that do not materialize, we not only hurt ourselves, but we also prevent ourselves from finding a person who can really satisfy our expectations. Betting on an impossible love is like mortgaging our emotions, it is like cultivating without the possibility of seeing the fruits. Therefore, in the long run, this type of love causes great frustration.

Is there a predisposition to get involved in impossible relationships?
There are people who are more likely to get involved in this type of relationship, either because of their personality characteristics, their beliefs, their mentality, or the education they have received.

People with low self-esteem can be victims of this problem because, deep down, they believe they do not deserve a real relationship so they look at people who can not correspond.

People who have been educated to believe they were worthless are also more likely to fall into a self-sabotage mechanism. Even though they are adults, they still believe that they don't deserve to get the good things in life, like a couple that loves and supports them, so they look at impossible relationships and thus confirm the image they have of themselves.

People with masochistic tendencies also tend to be tempted by impossible loves as this "relationship" satisfies their longing for suffering and pain. In fact, a study conducted at the University of Michigan showed that a person's rejection activates the same areas of the brain that are mobilized when we experience physical pain.

The underlying problem is often an emotional monopoly. That is, when a person has grown up marked by a negative emotion, such as anguish or a sense of rejection, he or she will have a tendency to get involved in situations that generate that emotion. Therefore, an impossible love allows them to perpetuate the emotions they experienced in their childhood and stay within a self-destructive circle, which is the only one they know.

How can we forget an impossible love?
If you have fallen into the nets of an impossible love and this is not the first time it has happened to you, start by looking inside yourself and finding the causes that lead you again and again down the same path. Ask yourself why you fall in love with unreachable people. You may find that you are afraid of commitment, that you are not prepared to face a relationship, or that you are repeating emotional experiences from your childhood.

There are those who "enjoy" that idyllic love because they feel relatively comfortable in the comfort zone they have created and they are terrified by the prospect of starting a real relationship, in which they have to open up emotionally to someone else.

Whatever the cause, be honest with yourself, maybe a psychology professional will help you at this point, as they will give you an objective perspective and help you get to know yourself better.

How to forget someone in three steps
If you need to know how to forget someone because you know it's an impossible love follow these three steps:

The first step is to make a firm decision to do so. This, although it may seem platitudinous, can be very difficult, as many times we resist forgetting a person or doing what is necessary for it, how to avoid contact for a while, because we cling to the romantic idea that, as in the movies, a miracle is going to happen and we will achieve happiness with that person and, on the other hand, it is always difficult to separate from the loved person or get the idea that our love is an impossible.

To make this decision it is important that you are realistic and think about your happiness. If remaining in love with that person hurts you, maybe it's time to turn the page.

The second step is to feel good about yourself. If you don't feel comfortable with yourself, if you don't love yourself enough, then you're not ready to start a healthy relationship. Don't forget that internal conflicts are the most common cause of marital problems.

It's also a good idea to reflect on the ideals you've created. Are you in love with a real person or an idyllic image? How well do you know that person? Do you know his or her flaws and quirks? You may be surprised to discover that you actually know very little about that person and that you are in love with the ideal you have created in your mind.

Finally, the third step in forgetting someone is to open yourself to new experiences. It's not that you apply the proverb "one nail pulls out the other", but you should be aware that when you're obsessed with a love, you can't see what's going on around you, you close yourself to others and prevent yourself from living. Obsessing is not being in love, even if you think so. Maybe the person who will make you happy is right under your nose and you can't see her because you're looking in the wrong direction.
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